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Breaking the Silence

Telling the world you were sexually assaulted isn't easy. Especially when there's a lack of resources to help you.

Jean-Paul Bedard, 50, had come to a brink before he told his wife and son about being sexually abused and raped by a man when he was a child.

 

“I believed intuitively that if I didn't start talking about this or get some help for it that I was going to start drinking and drugging again…I knew very quickly that if I didn’t that I would lose my wife and my son and basically I would have nothing...You know, trying to kill myself again. It wasn't an option anymore.”

 

According to Statistics Canada, “male victims of sexual assault were more often victimized by family members other than spouses or ex-spouses and by friends and acquaintances, in comparison to female sexual assault victims.”

 

Rape is notoriously underreported, for both women and men due to a multitude of reasons. This includes safety, lack of understanding the crime, victim blaming, and fear of reprisal, the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) reported. It’s something victims hold in and let rot away at their heart.

 

It’s what Bedard, author, advocate, and athlete, had kept in for decades before he reached his breaking point. That point looked like depression, addiction, alienation and suicidal thoughts.

 

“When I was a teenager I really got heavy and did drugs and alcohol…at that point no one knew why or what was going on or what had happened, Then I was married and I finally decided that I needed to come forward and start talking about this with my family because they watched me suffer for years and they didn't really know what was going on.”

A portrait of Jean-Paul Bedard by Inge Johnson

Bedard was raped and sexually abused as a child by an older man, which affected his development and his identity. For a long time Bedard had kept his story in, fearing that if he told people around him people would assume he is gay, something fairly common when the perpetrator and victim are both males.

 

“I know that this is not an issue today in my life, but at the time it was part of the stigma I was worried about. I was so terrified that someone would think that this is me…childhood sexual abuse it's quite different from sexual violence when you are a little older. Not better or worse it's just different, there's also a difference between childhood sexual abuse if you're a woman or a man and it has a lot to do with the perpetrators.”

 

Even after Bedard was happily married for nearly a decade, he carried his abuse story with him for years before he told his wife, three years ago. What brought about this decision was seeing his son grow up to become an adult. Bedard realized that this was a pivotal moment for his son and him. He realized how young and naive his son was to the harsh realities of sexual assault and wanted him to know the truth.

 

“He’s just a young kid, he doesn’t know any better.” That’s when Bedard saw himself in his son. When his son was the same age as Bedard when he was sexually abused, Bedard realized that he was not at fault for what had happened to him, which lifted some weight off him.

 

“As I started to unpack my own trauma, I started to question a lot of these misconceptions. And as I did my own research, therapy and investigation, I realized that these things are absolutely not true.”

 

So Bedard took the initiative and has since become a writer, public speaker and advocate against sexual abuse.

 

Bedard lives in Toronto, Ontario, and travels a lot for work. When he first reached out for help, he realized there was a lack of resources for men.

The Numbers

  1. 1 in 6 under aged boys in Canada will experience an unwanted sexual act, according to a report by The Canadian Badgley Royal commission.

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  3. Boys between four and seven years old are victims of sexual abuse three times more often, compared to boys in other ages, according to littlewarriors.ca

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  5. According to the Canadian Centre for Male Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, 64% of women who have been sexually assaulted recognize that they have been victimized.

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  7. Only 16% of men who have experienced sexual abuse consider themselves to have been sexually abused.

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  9. Only two to four per cent of reported sexual assaults are false reports, according to SexAssault.ca

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  11. According to a 2015 report by the Association of American Universities, 21% of transgender, nonconforming and gender queer university students reported being sexually abused during their post-secondary education. In comparison, 4% of non-TGQN males and 18% of non-TGQN females experienced sexual assault.

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  13. A 2016 article by the CBC states that 3.8 per cent of men and 27.3 per cent of women in the Canadian military have experienced sexual assault  at least once throughout their careers.

Kiran Brar, program manager at Victim Services Toronto, works closely with male victims of sexual assault. She admits there’s a lack of understanding when it comes to male victims.

 

“In Toronto, there are about 1,236 social services that are agencies geared towards victims. And barely 15-20 of them are specialized services for men. It's a long history of gender bias system we live in,” Brar says.

 

“Men traditionally have a very hard time coming out,” as they believe that since they have been abused it is combined with their sexual identity as well, Brar says.  

 

“[A] majority of the men will say that if I’m abused, that’s possibly because I am gay”. The culture of victim blaming and gender biases surface to determine the fate of male victims. These biases include notions of manhood, hyper-masculinity and authority, Brar says.

 

However, there are grass-roots efforts taking place to combat these notions.

 

Kevin Vowles is a community engagement manager with the White Ribbon Campaign in Toronto. His works involves raising awareness among young boys and men about this subject matter through speeches, sitting on panels, doing presentations at conferences at schools along with curriculum development.

 

Vowles and his team focus on working with men and boys to build cultures of consent. They focus on the ways that “men and boys can be positive role models to other men and boys and model a different form of masculinity that is not around power, control but rather showing our adherence and dignity as men,” says Vowles.

 

To Vowles, a lot of the victim-blaming and sexual abuse problem lies in a culture of misunderstanding and raising boys with an entitled state of mind.

 

Vowles work includes questioning “cultures of entitlement that exist around men and boys feeling that they can have access to women’s bodies, that they can cross peoples boundaries with physical, sexual or even verbal assault, and we're working around the premise that boys actually and men actually in their best selves want to act out consent.”

Web Exclusive:

Q & A with Jean-Paul Bedard

When did you decide to tell your story?


3 years ago. At that point I had been clean and sober for about 16 years. Right after the sexual assault, especially the rape when I was a teenager, I really got heavy and did drugs and alcohol at that point no one knew why or what was going on or what had happened.

What brought about the decision?


I was married and I finally decided that I needed to come forward and start talking about this with my family because. They watched me suffer for years and they didn't really know what was going on or what was the issue with the addiction.

​

Why then?

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I had just really got to a point I needed to kind of start digging into things and uncovering what was going on and so I sat my wife down basically, because I believed intuitively that if I didn't start talking about this or get some help for it that I was going to start drinking and drugging again. I knew very quickly that if I did that I would lose my wife and my son and basically I would have nothing you know trying to kill myself again it wasn't an option anymore.

 

How did your family react?

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It was a very slow process of explaining what had happened and my wife was fantastic she didn't ask for details she completely believed me she did all the important things that you need to do when someone discloses sexual violence to you. In the same regard neither of us knew what to do with this. We do know how to fix it, we didn't know what to do, where to go.


Why did you make it a public affair?

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As soon as I talk to my wife, I went right on Facebook and said my name is Jean-Paul and I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I knew the same thing as with my addiction issue, that if I'm going to get through this stuff, if I'm going to have any hope of dealing with it I needed to be very public about it. Not because I wanted people to congratulate me or that stuff. I just needed to know that I had a lot of eyes watching me, so I would be less likely to be doing the hard work that I knew that i was going to have to start doing same thing with with the addiction stuff. Telling people who know me that I'm a recovering addict doesn't really doesn't put the onus on them keeping me clean and sober, but it really sort of it's an extra support in layer.

 

What did you do for immediate help?


I went on telehealth - the Ontario phone service sought where if I could get information or some treatment or counselling to deal with this and I quickly realized, after many phone calls that there was no problems for men that actually deal with this. There's lots of programs for sexual assault. Particularly they are focused towards women victims and abuse shelters. But I did hear about this one program called the Gate House in Toronto but they didn't do anything about it. The next day I went to go see my family doctor, and my wife came with me to that appointment as well and sat down with my doctor. (We) explained what was going on and that I needed to get some help.

 

What has the journey been like so far?

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With male survivors.. I'm really careful because I do a lot of public speaking around man I'm really careful about pointing out that I don't think that anyone's trauma is worse than better than anyone else's trauma. I think trauma it's just trauma and it's a very subjective thing. And that's just the way it is. There's a slightly different element to childhood sexual abuse. It takes place during an important part of our psychological and physical development so there's that element. Childhood sexual abuse is quite different from sexual violence when you are a little older. Not better or worse, it's just different.

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