Running to nowhere
Outlining the struggles and stereotypes of being a male victim of domestic abuse.
John Brown (name changed for privacy) slipped out of his house unbeknownst to his girlfriend at the time. The last straw was when she threatened to chop him with a kitchen knife two weeks earlier.
According to the 2014 General Social Survey on Family Violence by Statistics Canada, the same portion of men and women (four per cent respectively) were reported to be victims of spousal violence within the first five years of their relationship. That means about 342,000 women and 418,000 men in Canada are suffering domestic(spousal) abuse.
The public pays close attention to domestic violence, and offers all kinds of help to female victims. Toronto Police note on their website that, “Women who have been victimized by violence are a Toronto Police Service Priority.” However, there’s almost no support for men who need the same help.
“Some of the men do contact the police,” says Justin Trottier, the Executive Director for the Canadian Centre for Men and Families (CCMF,). “Most of the time unfortunately, the police are not equipped to deal with men as victims,” he says.
Trottier says police jump into a gender binary, dismissing men as victims because they are stereotypically the aggressors. Even if they have bruises, are bleeding, or have witnesses, they still get arrested, Trottier says.
A lack of understanding and support from social institutions for male victims in domestic and spousal abuse is the main reason men refrain from speaking up or asking for help. And even after they start seeking assistance, the service they find is limited.
For full report and more details, please see http://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/85-002-x/2016001/article/14303/01-eng.htm
Brown, 56, works as a management consultant professional in Newmarket. He was in a five-year relationship before he ran away from his ex-girlfriend last December.
“I called three or four local shelters in Hamilton, and they said they didn’t accept men and they didn’t know who would,” he says. Brown proceeded to call shelters in Toronto and received the same answer. Many of them were trying to be helpful he says, but there were a few that dismissed his request.
None of the shelters that CCMF is working with are dedicated domestic shelters for men. “There are several for women, not enough, but there’s zero for men,” Trottier says.
Aside from limited services offered by community institutions, ego stunts men’s ability to recognize themselves as victims of spousal violence.
Browns’s ex-girlfriend had a job working with children. In order not to ruin her professional career, he kept quiet. During their time together, verbal criticism and yelling escalated into bigger and more serious actions. His girlfriend started throwing things at him, such as glass and a frying pan, grabbing him by the shirt and yanking and pushing him. She eventually threatened him with a knife he says.
“I also tried to minimize it,” Brown says. “Even the hitting, I didn’t see it as domestic violence. I think I’m strong so I can take it.”
Brown has two children from his previous relationship. Even though they are adults now, he felt pressure to be the role model as the strong father.
Brown didn’t tell anybody because he was ashamed. He was ashamed that he wasn’t able to fix the relationship, so he believed it was his fault. “If I tell somebody, it’s like admitting failing in this relationship.”
Finally, Brown talked to his sister Amy Brown, who’s a registered nurse working in social services and specializes in psychiatric mental health nursing. She was perhaps the only one who was able to understand his situation and help him at that time.
Amy first noticed there was something wrong when John stopped engaging with family members.
“We were sending emails to him, but didn’t get any response. Our mom says he wasn’t calling her. Nobody was really connecting with him,” she says. Amy believes this was due to his abusive relationship.
“From my knowledge, people who are abused isolate themselves from friends, family and supportive people. John, especially being a male, was shamed about disclosing his situation. So instead of saying anything, he just avoided sharing with us.”
“Reaching out to somebody that understands is important,” John says. “I’ve heard lots of stories that those men reach somebody who don’t understand, and they were set back into the fray.”
Where to find help when you feel abused in a relationship
Canadian Centre for Men and Families
As the only institution offer male victim service in Toronto, CCMF runs a specific program for male victims of domestic abuse, violence and trauma. You can find legal services or consult an expert about the issue you are facing. In addition, they may connect you with some shelters that can cover you during the transition time.
The Men’s Centre
If you are closer to B.C, the Men’s Centre will be a good choice. It’s an organization aiming to promote equality, peace and tranquility in an unstable world. They offer free consulting as well. As they are co-operating with The Painted Turtle Guest House in Nanaimo, they are likely to find you a place to stay.
Canadian Centre for Abuse Awareness
It’s a place where you can self-testing if you are under abuse. As some male victims of domestic (spousal) violence said they were not aware that they were under threatening until the very serious situation happens. This website allows you to discover whether you are abused or not. They provide legal consulting was well and they also help children and women.
Today, the environment for male victims isn’t where it should be, but people are more aware of the issue and have contributed to its improvement.
Douglas Scott Boulton is a membership coordinating volunteer at the CCMF, soliciting grants from various organizations for financial support. “It’s a challenging sell,” Boulton says. “The centre’s not been around for very long, and we address issues that do not have the benefit of the public’s attention.”
Boulton’s working to make a difference in people’s lives and creating a better society, so he’s proud of what he’s doing. “Shelters, Legal Aid Ontario, Victim Services and Toronto Police, all of those groups have invited us to come in and do workshops,” Trottier says.
Part of the workshop is to educate men and people who deal with men that men can come forward as victims, and they should speak out when they need to. They also invite the victims to share their experience as a way to encourage other men to break the barriers and express their own stories.
For those who share their stories to others, it’s a way of healing. “Talking about my experience is very therapeutic,” Brown says. “Every time I talk about it… it helps me to heal some of the hurt and the pain that I feel from having been in that situation.”
